Ten familia para esto, dijeron; no te arrepentirás.

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(definitivamente soy más y mejor yo a través de mi cámara, y a todos estos locos les quiero con locura 💛   choosing clownie and happy, yo. that’s what it’s all about.)

C.

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Soooooo I decided just today my 2016 word needs to change into CHOOSE. Heh. Yup. There’s that. K bye.

New year, (hopefully) MUCH more ME.

Changing from a year to another is always all kinds of cathartic and special to me. Yep, I’m overly aware about how it’s only the next day in the calendar. Literally just a minute of difference. BUT. I just get to start over, you know? To (at least try and) leave aaaaaaall of the crap behind. And that is just pure gold to me. Seriously.

I’m already in love with this year. I know that is overly crazy, but I think probably just anything can be better than the all-kinds-of-out-of-controll-desperately-dying-inside-just-going-with-the-flow-like-a-dead-human me.

And, well, after zombie period (which, sadly, I’m pretty sure lasted in total much more than just this last year) I’m like WOAH LADY WHAT HAPPENED WITH GROWING MENTALLY AND INTELLECTUALLY AND EMOTIONALLY DURING ALL THIS TIME! So yeah. Shift happens. And oh am I glad it does.

Sooooo. I’m trying the whole One Little Word thingy this year (google it), and after cracking my head desperately it came to me that, despite me wanting to shake and me like a hurricane already, I needed sooo much work first. And so my word for 2016 came: unfold.

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I love all of it. Seriously. Every single translation to spanish. Every definition. Every synonym. THAT’S WHAT I WANT MY YEAR TO BE LIKE.

I need all the opening up. All the unfolding my inner self, my mess, my true me. All the exposing myself. All the revealing, all the clarity. Definitely all the developing. And oh do I hope for all the blossoming out 🙂

As a supportive word for me, I chose BE. I still have to write my manifesto with be. I keep coming up with bits and pieces of it in my head (but, of course, I haven’t written a single bit of it, so gotta think hard about it all over again! Ha!). Be goes with so many guiding stuff I need for the year. But, mainly… BE TRULY ALIVE.

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C.

I kind of feel stupid for my last post. Of course it won’t happen ever again. I don’t know why I kept thinking the possibility was still there. I don’t think I know him anymore. Over that month he went from big youngster to a real twentysomething adult. He’s not the guy I knew anymore. That first last hug was still him, but after that the version I knew disappeared. I hope he finds balance in between, I hope he doesn’t just lose himself in the change. Deep down I don’t think he will. Anyhow. Here’s for change.

Bye, cute sunrise guy. You were nice dating to. Let’s see if I meet you in the future all over again. Maybe I’ll like your new version as a friend. Maybe I won’t and I’ll dig you down. Any way or another, thanks for these years.

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C.

I do think you will never loose the feeling like home to me. It hurts so much to think I’ll never get to your version of my home back. But I also know, you better never come back to try to love me again. As Alex learnt with Izzie, you’ve showed me that I deserve that much better. SO-MUCH-BETTER. I also think one gets a quorum of times a guy gets to break one’s heart. You’ve definitely filled yours. So please, even if you only do it for respect to the stuff I’ve had to put up with this last five years, don’t ever play with me again. You’ve made clear how little you care to have me in your life. Don’t think you can make that unclear to me ever in the future. The fuckery has been made. I wish to believe I’m not so stupid to go through you again. Even if my idiotic heart thinks the risk cost was definitely worth, my feelings can’t go through you breaking me again. I don’t think I will ever deserve to go through the punch in the heart by the person I’ve loved the most a third time. I expected so much more of you, dude. So much more. The least, some caring. I guess one just can’t trust on care, can she.

On reading myself back.

Today I found a journal I used July 2014 as a diary. I kind of wrote myself letters and wrote a quote and stuff. And even though things have changed, I find it so amazing to come back to myself. Seriously awesome. I am a cool writer sometimes. I wish to still write to myself every once in a while.

C.