New year, (hopefully) MUCH more ME.

Changing from a year to another is always all kinds of cathartic and special to me. Yep, I’m overly aware about how it’s only the next day in the calendar. Literally just a minute of difference. BUT. I just get to start over, you know? To (at least try and) leave aaaaaaall of the crap behind. And that is just pure gold to me. Seriously.

I’m already in love with this year. I know that is overly crazy, but I think probably just anything can be better than the all-kinds-of-out-of-controll-desperately-dying-inside-just-going-with-the-flow-like-a-dead-human me.

And, well, after zombie period (which, sadly, I’m pretty sure lasted in total much more than just this last year) I’m like WOAH LADY WHAT HAPPENED WITH GROWING MENTALLY AND INTELLECTUALLY AND EMOTIONALLY DURING ALL THIS TIME! So yeah. Shift happens. And oh am I glad it does.

Sooooo. I’m trying the whole One Little Word thingy this year (google it), and after cracking my head desperately it came to me that, despite me wanting to shake and me like a hurricane already, I needed sooo much work first. And so my word for 2016 came: unfold.

UNFOLD.jpg

I love all of it. Seriously. Every single translation to spanish. Every definition. Every synonym. THAT’S WHAT I WANT MY YEAR TO BE LIKE.

I need all the opening up. All the unfolding my inner self, my mess, my true me. All the exposing myself. All the revealing, all the clarity. Definitely all the developing. And oh do I hope for all the blossoming out 🙂

As a supportive word for me, I chose BE. I still have to write my manifesto with be. I keep coming up with bits and pieces of it in my head (but, of course, I haven’t written a single bit of it, so gotta think hard about it all over again! Ha!). Be goes with so many guiding stuff I need for the year. But, mainly… BE TRULY ALIVE.

new start.jpg

C.

Advertisements

On fear.

Here’s an honest post. I don’t think I had ever been this aware of how full of fear I am as I am right now. I am a human FULL of fear. And it sucks. It does. It really does, because I really wasn’t this aware before. And now I just keep seeing my fear in my thoughts over and over. I’m afraid to get myself out there and showing my work (even if I try to do it anyways). I’m afraid to offer photographic sessions, even though I know I’m a great storyteller. I’m afraid while actually thinking about a session itself. I’m afraid about really being capable, about being mediocre, about getting blocked. But not only about that. I’m afraid to talk honestly with close people. I’m afraid of sending letters I’ve wrote from the inside to one that was once my best confident. I’m afraid to give my true opinion often, because people don’t want to hear it. I’m afraid of raising my voice and letting truths out. I’m afraid of wearing clothes that could make me, well, visible; any kind of clothes that are out of my comfort, plain ones. I’m afraid of getting outside of emails, of facing face-to-face situations, of talking on the phone. I’m afraid in meetings, so I often act shy and that makes me seem like a boring, not prepared person. I’m afraid of looking for a side job even if I need the job because it will involve asking and human interaction. I’m afraid of asking for help. I’m afraid of being honest. I’m afraid of creating opportunities for myself because of what it involves. I’m afraid of being weak, or worse, of looking weak. I’m actually afraid of publishing this post. BUT.

Captura de pantalla 2015-08-23 a las 13.54.54

EDIT: I just keep running into more fear wisdom:

0821-745x453

C.

(side note: I should probably take this course)

I want to remember.

I want to remember the moment I started valuing and infinitely loving the time I spend with him.

I want to remember the pure joy of silence. I want to remember this one time we jumped as if nothing else mattered. DSC_3145 I want to remember that despite everything, M will always be my special one.

I want to remember conversations with C. Movie afternoons with C. Traveling with C. Holding hands real hard when life comes around.

I want to remember the magical wonder of my Instax photos.

I want to remember that I started seriously thinking about giving a try to scrapbooking or art journalling. Basically because I starting giving myself some faith.

I want to remember I wanted to try analogic photography because I found my father’s camera and felt completely in love with it. No news on that yet.

I want to remember I did kinda awesome stuff with a kinda shitty camera. That people started believing in me way more than I did on myself. And that I still dreamt with Canon 5D and 50mm f1.4. And that I forgot my SD card at a concert.

I want to remember that long meetings gave me mental breakdowns. That people should learn to stop repeating themselves and to shut up more. And especially, that people should learn to appreciate others’ time!

I want to remember that I loved the guys in my life.

I want to remember that I did have friends that cared about me when needed. Pretty rad friends. IMG_20150428_234635

(they even made a group and I so didn't expect any of that from them and it felt so special)

(they even made a group and I so didn’t expect any of that from them and it felt so special)

IMG_20150428_235407 I want to remember I was all excited about the #gettoworkbook. Checking their instagram and Elise’s blog daily kinda excited. Bc you know, I’m a non-willing to work / planner lover kinda gal.

I want to remember I faced and won going to the gym. Even if it took 45 minutes back and forth to the dressing room. And feeling the progress. Screenshot_2015-04-28-23-46-58~2 I want to remember this: Screenshot_2015-04-28-23-46-44~3 I want to remember Albert’s wisdom. He’s like the wisest man. (Except for José Luis Sampedro, of course). Now seriously, he’s such a special human being.

“De pronto lo vi claro. Pensando se crean los problemas y bailando se solucionan”

“Espera! Te puedo escribir un proverbio? Pero solo  puedes leerlo un jueves. Solo un jueves. Lo prometes?”

I want to remember this one time he told me “You are such a lovely mess”.

I want to remember my “the universe salutes you” t-shirt because it was such a rad purchase.

I want to remember that I took on the 100 day project with my #100daysoflifethroughme and that the process sucked because I was doing some shit but that I kept going on anyways.

I want to remember and re-read often this incredible Elise’s post about growing. She is such a wise woman.

I want to remember that lil sis was complicated, but that I kept loving her like the first day.

I want to remember that I started believing I could actually have confidence with unusual clothes with Clarissa’s blouse.

I want to remember the excitement of new cutie baby soon! I want to remember I dreamt with doing a project that made a little change in the world and that made me passionate.

I want to remember forevermore Start with why.

I want to remember my good things notebook.

I want to remember my grandma.

I want to remember my grandpa, and when I sneaked into his room just after dying to take his wrist clock. I want to remember the incredibly special night I went to visit him at the hospital. I wish I had done that much much more.

I want to remember how grateful I felt for my parents on my 19th birthday and the photo I took of them dancing.

I want to remember “Short trips and long dances…”.

I want to remember dancing with him.

I want to remember myself. IMG_20150428_234625

C.

Cerrando etapas.

Aún no soy del todo consciente de que no va a haber Gredoslandia a la que volver en septiembre, con los profesores de siempre, con mis compañeros de siempre. Aún no soy consciente de que hay mucha gente a la que posiblemente no vuelva a ver nunca, de que todo lo que viene ahora es nuevo, de que ahora toca plantarse en la vida real.

Aún no soy consciente, aún no soy consciente… De que todo se acabó, y a la vez todo vuelve a empezar.

último día en gredoslandia

 

C.

Escrito desesperadamente en una bolsa de vómito de un avión procedente de Bosnia destino la vida real.

03 de noviembre, 2013.

“En la infinidad del mar, de las nubes, del cielo, pienso en la vida. En que es efímera; en que un día te despiertas y, de repente, nada es como creías que sería. Y sientes, ríes desesperadamente, lloras. Pero al final todo es efímero, todo es cambiante.

I look into the infinity of the horizon and finally feel…

Alive.”

C.